Adventures of a Social Mom

A West Coast woman, living in the South… Living loving and laughing everyday

Day Off

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I work six days a week, as lots of single mom’s do, and today is my big day off. Fall in the South is beautiful, and I am in awe of the magnificent colors of the trees. Today it is 45 degrees and raining, and since I am a Southern California girl at heart, I do not dare leave the house today. I gave myself a facial, complete with hydrating mask and a body scrub, then oiled up my delicate skin and put my sweats back on (that’s known as lounge wear in The OC). I did some reading, (working on my parenting skills) am am focusing on being grateful for my health and the fact that I have a job.
I miss being near the woman I love, but am glad that I have things to look forward to… visits, phone calls, Skype. My grandpa lived to be 103 years old, and he always said that what keeps you young is having something to look forward to. I’m not sure he was talking about Skype messages, but you get the idea…
My problem? To me, a day off that is inactive, is a day off of stagnation, not relaxation. I’m like a kid who says, “I don’t want to take a  nap, I’m not tired! Entertain me! I don’t want to play alone!” 
Maybe I never learned “self-soothing” techniques as a baby? Maybe I’m extremely extroverted and I get energy from people? Maybe I’m afraid to be alone? Afraid of what my head will come up with? Maybe I really just want to be distracted from something… I remember a therapist telling me once, “Emotions are not good or bad, they just ARE… and they come and go, they do not define you.” 
Well, today I feel like I am treading water. Just maintaining and not sure how to get to the side before I drown… just remembering to breathe, maybe lay my head back and float a moment… if I close my eyes, I am transported… and the sun is shining on my face… my muscles relax and the tension is gone. I have no control and I don’t need to control… just let go. Suffering is what it is to be human. Pain is a gift, I know, because it tells us to pay attention. Whether it’s physical or emotional, it causes us to be aware. I am not used to just sitting with something. I’m impulsive, a woman of action, but I am at a loss for energy or answers today… And like this rain, this heavy feeling will pass…

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