Adventures of a Social Mom

A West Coast woman, living in the South… Living loving and laughing everyday


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Just some thoughts 

I went to the library today with the intention of bringing home a book on market research, or some topic of self improvement. I found myself reading poetry. As I started stacking books into my arms about “the writer within” and “the existence of God” I realized that this is the perfect analogy of my life. Searching for something, but not having a clear idea of what that thing is… Taking a path, only to change that path when it gets boring or uncomfortable. I stood in the aisle listening to the tick of the air conditioner, the buzz of the fluorescent light bulbs, and the smell of old books. I had new insight and a revelation… I accept myself for who I am and the paths I have chosen. 


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There is something worrisome about our future. We are raising children who are given whatever they want, whenever they want it. Not only are they given everything, nothing is asked OF them. They are not required to DO anything. When one isn’t asked to accomplish anything, one grows up believing they are not CAPABLE. Our dependent children are no ones fault but our own. Perpetuating the helplessness of a future society. This is the opposite of what just 2 generations ago believed. They thought we, as individuals working together, could change anything… Make a difference in our society. But somewhere along the line, what changed? Individual values? Culture? Everything is culture. 


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The Search

The first time I rode my bike farther than I was allowed to go… Was invigorating and scary… And I couldn’t wait to do it again.
I grew up a people pleaser, but always pushing limits… Acting before thinking.
Searching… Looking for my salvation, in drugs or a man or a woman… In music, books, experiences…
Something to save me from this void.
I married, joined a cult, had a child, became a mother… I became aware of an inner strength that gave me perseverance and courage.
But I kept searching…
I loved women, climbed mountains, rafted down rivers, drove miles… Many miles as far as I could go… But I always ended up with myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my needs, and my pain. Forever haunted by an emptiness…
Will I ever fill that void, connect so deeply that I no longer feel alone? Is it even possible or fair to ask these questions of another human being?
The joy of life comes not in human relationships, but in the human experience… Nature, risk, service, compassion, fear, and love…

Sent from my iPhone


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Antisocial media

Have you ever posted a profile? It takes the place of actually talking to someone about yourself. I guess it’s not so much as information about you, as it is more what You think about yourself. The ironic part is… Its not really who you are at all.
Communication is like 80% nonverbal, so how is this even possible? Who am I? I am a human being who is trying to be happy, and hopefully share that happiness with someone else. I make mistakes. I don’t always make the right choices, and sometimes I even fail. But I am strong and sensitive and want very much to make people smile. Sometimes I fall short and I try to right my wrong… But only if I’m given the chance.
So, my profile is this. Not always clean and tidy, but real. That’s all I can promise.


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Saturday job

I have a Saturday job, cutting hair, that is sometimes exhausting, but fulfills a need I have to connect with strangers. Today an older man sat down in my chair, dusty work clothes and disheveled gray hair. He said that he could, “hear his mother’s voice telling him it was time to get a haircut.” He shared boyhood stories of growing up in Cary, NC and collecting eggs from his grandfather’s chickens, how kids today don’t know how to work hard, and he told me about his business selling mulch and Christmas trees. He was simple, hard working, and smelled of sweat. I am grateful for this moment.
 


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This is 41

Every night I have wine alone, wake up and have coffee alone, go to work and eat lunch alone, come home and make dinner alone, feed pets and a teenager who is never pleased… then I have wine alone.

I talk to strangers all day long. Everyday. Listening to their stories, what makes them tick and what they need from me to help them with their lives… Sometimes I sell them bottles, or potions (no I am not a witch doctor). Sometimes I just listen and smile and they feel heard. I am friendly and make a point to learn peoples’ names because people matter to me…

And then I drive home alone, make dinner alone, feed pets and a teenager who is never pleased… then I have wine alone.


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Day Off

I work six days a week, as lots of single mom’s do, and today is my big day off. Fall in the South is beautiful, and I am in awe of the magnificent colors of the trees. Today it is 45 degrees and raining, and since I am a Southern California girl at heart, I do not dare leave the house today. I gave myself a facial, complete with hydrating mask and a body scrub, then oiled up my delicate skin and put my sweats back on (that’s known as lounge wear in The OC). I did some reading, (working on my parenting skills) am am focusing on being grateful for my health and the fact that I have a job.
I miss being near the woman I love, but am glad that I have things to look forward to… visits, phone calls, Skype. My grandpa lived to be 103 years old, and he always said that what keeps you young is having something to look forward to. I’m not sure he was talking about Skype messages, but you get the idea…
My problem? To me, a day off that is inactive, is a day off of stagnation, not relaxation. I’m like a kid who says, “I don’t want to take a  nap, I’m not tired! Entertain me! I don’t want to play alone!” 
Maybe I never learned “self-soothing” techniques as a baby? Maybe I’m extremely extroverted and I get energy from people? Maybe I’m afraid to be alone? Afraid of what my head will come up with? Maybe I really just want to be distracted from something… I remember a therapist telling me once, “Emotions are not good or bad, they just ARE… and they come and go, they do not define you.” 
Well, today I feel like I am treading water. Just maintaining and not sure how to get to the side before I drown… just remembering to breathe, maybe lay my head back and float a moment… if I close my eyes, I am transported… and the sun is shining on my face… my muscles relax and the tension is gone. I have no control and I don’t need to control… just let go. Suffering is what it is to be human. Pain is a gift, I know, because it tells us to pay attention. Whether it’s physical or emotional, it causes us to be aware. I am not used to just sitting with something. I’m impulsive, a woman of action, but I am at a loss for energy or answers today… And like this rain, this heavy feeling will pass…