I went to the library today with the intention of bringing home a book on market research, or some topic of self improvement. I found myself reading poetry. As I started stacking books into my arms about “the writer within” and “the existence of God” I realized that this is the perfect analogy of my life. Searching for something, but not having a clear idea of what that thing is… Taking a path, only to change that path when it gets boring or uncomfortable. I stood in the aisle listening to the tick of the air conditioner, the buzz of the fluorescent light bulbs, and the smell of old books. I had new insight and a revelation… I accept myself for who I am and the paths I have chosen.
The first time I rode my bike farther than I was allowed to go… Was invigorating and scary… And I couldn’t wait to do it again.
I grew up a people pleaser, but always pushing limits… Acting before thinking.
Searching… Looking for my salvation, in drugs or a man or a woman… In music, books, experiences…
Something to save me from this void.
I married, joined a cult, had a child, became a mother… I became aware of an inner strength that gave me perseverance and courage.
But I kept searching…
I loved women, climbed mountains, rafted down rivers, drove miles… Many miles as far as I could go… But I always ended up with myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my needs, and my pain. Forever haunted by an emptiness…
Will I ever fill that void, connect so deeply that I no longer feel alone? Is it even possible or fair to ask these questions of another human being?
The joy of life comes not in human relationships, but in the human experience… Nature, risk, service, compassion, fear, and love…
Sent from my iPhone
Have you ever posted a profile? It takes the place of actually talking to someone about yourself. I guess it’s not so much as information about you, as it is more what You think about yourself. The ironic part is… Its not really who you are at all.
Communication is like 80% nonverbal, so how is this even possible? Who am I? I am a human being who is trying to be happy, and hopefully share that happiness with someone else. I make mistakes. I don’t always make the right choices, and sometimes I even fail. But I am strong and sensitive and want very much to make people smile. Sometimes I fall short and I try to right my wrong… But only if I’m given the chance.
So, my profile is this. Not always clean and tidy, but real. That’s all I can promise.
Every night I have wine alone, wake up and have coffee alone, go to work and eat lunch alone, come home and make dinner alone, feed pets and a teenager who is never pleased… then I have wine alone.
I talk to strangers all day long. Everyday. Listening to their stories, what makes them tick and what they need from me to help them with their lives… Sometimes I sell them bottles, or potions (no I am not a witch doctor). Sometimes I just listen and smile and they feel heard. I am friendly and make a point to learn peoples’ names because people matter to me…
And then I drive home alone, make dinner alone, feed pets and a teenager who is never pleased… then I have wine alone.